I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
📽️movie date🎞️
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest