I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*