[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
yeet
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.