The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.