*pronounces patio like ratio
You Might Also Like
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms