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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.