It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
RT if you could go either way.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.