Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”