My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
You Might Also Like
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Beware of the dog..
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!