Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.