Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.