dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Not😆🤣
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The Compass
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen