Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I have never related to a cat more
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Cndnsd Mlk
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
#merica
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.