The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You Might Also Like
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
dictator is short for richard potato
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.