The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you