you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point