[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Life hack
This is my favorite one of these!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.