Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Always the camel, never the toe.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO