If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.