Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?