Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
This is my cat’s medicine.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Perfect
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.