You Might Also Like
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries