The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
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(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”