do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.