*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If the horse track doesn鈥檛 open back up soon, I鈥檓 gonna lose the only math I remember.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn鈥檛 figure out how to spell it.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: Please be quiet. I鈥檓 trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 馃
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I鈥檒l have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.