hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Never forget.