her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.