Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs