I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
You Might Also Like
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m having an out of money experience.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Ugh
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?