Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target