[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.