I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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How funny!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Not today
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.