*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Haha! 😂
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?