Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Big Sex has us all fooled
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
He-man has a Masters degree
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?