I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.