Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars