[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.