Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?