[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.