Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[montage of me giving-up]
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed