Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
🤣🤣🤣
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My inexpensive home security system…
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.