My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.