My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand