Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
house sitting!
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
🌱🌱🌱
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum