me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
no such thing as a dumb question
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.