How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*updates tinder bio*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
when there are deer in the woods
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.