Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.