Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.