I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]