I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My life in a nutshell
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.